I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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reminder
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Hot Panini is in big trouble
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.