I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*looks at you in batman voice*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery