I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Who says great literature is dead?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS