@Sarcasticsapien: I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn't feed them and someone else did they wouldn't go to them immediately.
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@DadandBuried: My son can now reach the light switches so don't come over my house unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
@Cravin4: Me: I don't think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids. Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.
@stephenjmolloy: Newsreader: "And now Tom with the weather." Weatherman: "It's Tim, actually." Newsreader: "Sorry. And now Tom with the tim."