I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
You Might Also Like
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Don’t touch that.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
scares
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.