@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
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@boogersincoffee: i hate when you google stuff like 'insidious' it gives you the definition but when you google 'butt' it doesn't. define butt for me damn it
@ComedySpeech: Sharks aren't the bad guys. If some stranger entered my house in just a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
@jonnysun: ME: did it hurt GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u