@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
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@hoedeehoe: (1st day in heaven) Me: Whoa- is that Elvis? Angel- no, it's an impersonator M: Wow, is that... A: listen man all we got is impersonators
@carlyken: My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I'm trying one more time and then it'll be his future wife's problem.
@psybermonkey: [Kids party] Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked? Me: yep [Backyard] Mortician: next we'll cut open the chest cavity like so...
@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.