@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
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@doublewenis: *seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick "I'm sorry, I really don't know what a wingman is supposed to do."
@tat2skatermom: I have a doorbell chime for text messages. I just checked my door twice. I don’t have a doorbell. Line up boys. This kinda genius is rare.
@plumbur: Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.
@13spencer: A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.