@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
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@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
@whostrevors: A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(
@squirrel74wkgn: One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
@weinerdog4life: Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors