I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
don’t be scared
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.