I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
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Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no