There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.