[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please