@audipenny: I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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@davedittell: *friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*
@RandomlyMJ: My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.
@Book_Krazy: [Dinosaur Rap Battle] We're gonna win this for sure! "Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?" WE'RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen