I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
🙄😏😂🤣
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?