I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
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Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
jesus, what did this guy do
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?