I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
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Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
step 6: release the wall snake
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him