I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Monday?
No. Next question.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there