I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
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smh
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Omg 🤣
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*