i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
You Might Also Like
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
The Friday File.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!