@dougbies: I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
@Try2StopME: *washing car*
Neighbor: "You washing your car?"
Me: "No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus."
@GregDunbar1: Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
@1evilidiot: Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.
@TheRealAnchovy: I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
@KelFocker: A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."