@dougbies: I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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@mattsurely: [couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon. Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *hits her sister* Me: Keep your hands to yourself. 5: Me: 5: *kicks* Me: And your feet. 5: Me: 5: *headbutts*