I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.