How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
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EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a