You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.