“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER