museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.