I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
You Might Also Like
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?