I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.