@MunkMania: I like men in uniform, but sometimes it's hard to flirt when they're handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
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@caithuls: [trying to get out of date] ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911 HIM: That's not how- ME: *mouthing* IT'S AN EMERGENCY
@TheRolo: And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance... Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready. Me: Oh ok nevermind.
@iwearaonesie: wife: What can you make with rum? me: A baby wife me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
@JermHimselfish: Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.