I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Worst bar ever.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
every college guy’s fridge
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance