‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Good morning!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.