I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?