I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*puts my mental health in rice
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Is….Is this an option?
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t