I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.