Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for