broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going