I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
May never get over this
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.