I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
same bro
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.