@cogentanalysis: I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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@PetrickSara: [Married pillow-talk] Husband: What's your deepest fantasy? Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table.
@DirtyySouthMess: [To police.] "I want to press charges on my co-worker Steve." "What'd he do?" "Warmed up fish in the office microwave." "...Cuff him."
@yonewt: Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your "sweatie"