@cogentanalysis: I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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@david8hughes: I'm impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
@jwoodham: I can't make it tonight. There's a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
@BYGH: My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.