I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*