I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Meanwhile in Portland…
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I know this now 😂
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Mad Max Arctic Road
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.