I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool