me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
You Might Also Like
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
decorating my apartment
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
we all know this pain all too well
2022: I can fix it
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media