I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
God, I love Scotland
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone