I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Good advice.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?