ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.