Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Canada has crack?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers