The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
You Might Also Like
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Cinematography is my passion
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.