I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
You Might Also Like
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED