I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive