I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?