I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.