I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobsâ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I canât wait!
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think Iâll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
âI smell like candy,â I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
The only life secret Iâm not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
itâs a van. how do they not know this
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, itâs me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day đ
My ex from highschool followed my new dogâs Instagram account and dmâed her âI donât like your momâ LMAO IM DYING
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.