I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.