(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.