@FeelNutts: I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
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@Canadian_Cutie_: Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book Me: Get the what now?
@TheGladStork: When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.
@Thynebear: I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question "How do you pronounce quinoa?" [it's just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
@JustDontBugMe: [god creating raccoons] God: Make a giant squirrel that's dressed like a burglar and greedy af. Angel: But... God: Just do it.