@FeelNutts: I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
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@gerryhallcomedy: Dear guy who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
@DurtMcHurtt: *attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers *watches slowest jousting match ever
@a_man_named_JED: School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
@TheCatWhisprer: WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn't you? ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?