I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Life is a suicide mission.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
TRAIN’S HERE
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram