I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.